


can I hold onto you?

by highintlowwis



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, CW: alcohol, Fjord "7 Wis" Tusktooth, Jealousy, M/M, Or Is It?, POV Fjord (Critical Role), Pining, Unrequited Love, an 'oh' moment but not the one you were hoping for, mention of alcohol poisoning, the angstiest schnuggle ever, the world may never know, what is an beta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27155114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highintlowwis/pseuds/highintlowwis
Summary: There's nothing like a bit of booze to make you realize you're in love with your friend. Unfortunately for Fjord, it may just be a little too late.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Eodwulf, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 21
Kudos: 92





	can I hold onto you?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [314tou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/314tou/gifts).



> Yaaaayyy finally finished this giveaway fic! I reached 300 followers on tumblr so I did a giveaway for the winner's choice of fic, won by the lovely piitou! They requested some Fjorclay/Cadwulf angst based off the song "Horizons Into Battlegrounds" by Woodkid. I hadn't heard of this band before but it iss some HIGH QUALITY ANGST, check it out! Fic title and referenced lyrics all from that song.  
> Thank you piitou (and everyone else out there!) for supporting me! This community is such a wonderful place and I'm so happy to be a part of it.

_Let the silence ease the wildness_   
_Your embrace clears the storm in my head_   
_Why do I love you more when I'm wasted?_   
_I only welcome care when I'm wounded_   
  
_You are a promise of brightness_   
_The triumph of life over self-hate_   
_But I take all you gave for granted_   
_What really matters, I keep breaking_   
  
_I'm turning_   
_Horizons into battlegrounds_   
_I cannot walk ahead_   
_Without your guidance_   
  
_Can I hold on?_   
_Can I hold onto you?_   
_Can I hold on?_   
_Can I hold onto you?_

“Hey. Hey, Fy-ord. We are _fy-ucked.”_

Fjord swiveled his head around, turning to look at Beau. The room tilted around him and he had to catch himself so he didn’t faceplant on the sticky bar in front of him.

“Ya think?” He groaned. “How the hell are we supposed to walk home? I d'nno if I can even make it across the street.”

His friend downed the last gulp of her drink and let out a truly impressive belch. “Can ya call Duceus and have him pick us up? He’d _totally_ drop me off at home too so I don’t have to sleep on your lumpy-ass couch.”

Fjord threw an uncoordinated punch at her shoulder, ( _oh shit, nope, stay upright. Don’t fall off the chair.)_ “Hey. Don’t make fun of Belinda. She’s a damn good couch, doesn’t matter that we found her on the sidewalk. Cad was so proud when he brought her home.”

Beau rolled her eyes and muttered something unintelligible under her breath. “Call him though? _Pleeaaasee?_ Jessie wrecked her car again so she can’t get us.”

Fjord sighed, but relented. “Okay, okay. It’s not too late so he should still be up. Close out our tabs? You owe me from last time.”

Ignoring Beau’s groans of protest, Fjord stumbled outside to make the call. He pulled out his phone and held it up close to his face so he could focus on the text. _Why are the letters so tiny? They should be bigger. Who designed this bullshit?_ He finally managed to find Caduceus’ contact and click the call button.

The phone rang once.

  
  


Twice.

  
  


Three times.

  
  


“Hello?”

Fjord definitely did not feel a warmth in his chest hearing that low, rumbling voice. _Nope, not at all._

He hiccupped.

“Oh, oh no. Did Beau challenge you to a drinking contest again? You know you can’t beat her,” Caduceus replied, sounding somehow both sympathetic and a little chastising.

“Eh-hyup, that’s pretty much what happened. Can you come get us? We’re at the Leaky Nip. Evening Tap. Whatever.”

“Yeah, yeah of course. Give me one second,” Caduceus pulled away from the phone and Fjord could hear him mumbling in the background. _Is he with someone? Who? Yasha maybe. But isn’t she working tonight? Yeah, she definitely is._

Caduceus returned to the receiver, “Okay, I’ll be there in 5. Just wait outside for me so I don’t have to find parking?”

The door to the bar swung open and Beau stumbled out, giving Fjord a thumbs up with a questioning look. He returned the gesture, then spoke back into the phone, “Yeah, we’re outside now. See you soon.”

“He’ll be here in a few,” he let Beau know, and she nodded as she planted her ass on the curb and motioned for him to join her. As he sat down, she rested her head on his shoulder.

“Ugh, thank the gods for Duce, honestly.”

_Yeah. Thank the gods for him._

After a few minutes, Cad pulled up in front of the bar in his beat up station wagon. Beau bolted upright and threw her arms wide in greeting, one elbow smacking Fjord dead in the nose.

“Duceeeyyy!”

“Ow, fuck, Beau!”

“Ehhh, you’ll be fine. C’mon, I’m fuckin tired, let’s go.”

They clambered into the car, Beau claiming the front seat and Fjord begrudgingly taking the back while rubbing his sore face. They swung by Beau and Jester’s apartment, just a few minutes away from their own, and Beau gave Caduceus a quick pat on the head and a 'thank you' before jumping out and staggering towards her building.

"Don't forget to hydrate tonight!" Cad called after her. 

Beau threw a hand in the air in response, and fumbled with her keys for a moment before unlocking the door and disappearing inside.

Cad chuckled. "You two really had fun tonight, huh?"

"I dunno why I still go drinking with her," Fjord moaned from the back seat. "I only wanted a beer or two."

Their eyes met in the rear view mirror, Caduceus' crinkled with a smile. "You say that every time. C'mon, let's get home."

They pulled up to their building and headed inside, Fjord unsteady on his feet but determined to make it on his own. Caduceus must have noticed, and he put a broad hand on Fjord’s back to support him as they made their way up the stairs to their apartment. _Oh, that feels really nice. Wait, what? Shut up Fjord, you’re drunk._ After pulling out his keys and unlocking the door, Cad held it open for Fjord. Fjord immediately planted himself on the ground in the doorway so he could begin to tug at his boots. 

Cad chuckled at him, “Need a hand?”

“NOPE. Nope I’m good, I’m _cool_ , I totally got this.” _Shit. Why are laces so difficult?_

His fingers fumbled over the knots, but he finally got both shoes off and held them up in triumph.

“Ah-HA! I got ‘em, Duce!”

As Fjord looked up to find his friend, however, he did a double-take as his vision focused at the sight in front of him. Cad was standing over their small kitchen table, clearing plates. The table was covered in mostly-emptied serving dishes, there was an extinguished candle with hardened drips of wax down the side, and a fresh bouquet of small purple flowers sat in a vase on the counter. But most importantly, not one, but _two_ places were set at the table, plates emptied but glasses still half-full.

“Did… wha… is someone here?” Fjord stuttered out, his drunken mind suddenly remembering the side conversation Caduceus had while they were on the phone.

Cad shrugged as he scraped leftovers into a container. “Not anymore, he just went home. Had some early-morning research meeting.”

Fjord took a moment to put the pieces together, but as soon as he did, his eyes widened in ( _painful, why is it painful?)_ realization. “Cad, did I ruin a date? Were… were you on a date until I called you?”

Caduceus tilted his head and considered that carefully. “Huh. I suppose it could be considered a date. He did bring me flowers. Lilacs too, those are for new relationships…” He trailed off in thought for a moment, then shook his head. “But no, you didn’t ruin it. Like I said, he had to leave soon anyways.”

Fjord felt his stomach turn. _From the guilt. And the alcohol, of course._ “I still feel bad. Um… who was it with?”

Caduceus ( _kind, thoughtful, generous Caduceus_ ) got a cup of water from the kitchen and brought it down to Fjord. “Here, you don’t want a headache in the morning,” he offered, and Fjord took a sip, realizing how thirsty he was but also very grateful for the distraction. “It was Eadwulf. You know, Caleb’s old friend from school?”

Fjord did know. He definitely knew. Eadwulf, who was tall and strong and smart and handsome. Eadwulf, who had a good relationship with his goddess ( _the Queen of Crows? Something like that),_ Eadwulf who knew about fate and destiny and religion and all the things Fjord still struggled with. That man had been on a _date_ with Fjord’s… Fjord’s what? _Roommate. Friend. Mentor,_ he reminded himself, willing the pain in his stomach to dissipate.

He forced himself to swallow the gulp of water in his mouth. “Uh-huh. He seems nice. How was it?” _Idiot. Do you really want to know?_

The broad smile that spread across Caduceus’ face was like a dagger to Fjord’s heart. That was a smile he recognized, somehow. _Why is that familiar?_ “It was… good. Yeah. Really good, I think. I’d like to do it again.”

Fjord took another sip of his water, not sure how well he could hide his emotions at the moment and grateful to have a glass covering his face.

“I, uh- I hope you do. See him again. You deserve to be happy. Seems like he makes you happy,” he managed to stutter out.

Caduceus’ smile turned into something small, something private and sweet, as he finished clearing the dishes from the table. “Yeah. Yeah he does.”

A second dagger, this time to Fjord’s stomach. He could feel the emotions welling up in his throat and the last bit of his sober mind trying to push them down.

“Okay,” he said, voice cracking slightly. He cleared his throat and pushed himself to his feet before continuing, “okay, that’s good. I’m gonna go to bed, Ducey. Thanks again. I… I really appreciate it.”

The change in his tone did not go unnoticed by his perceptive friend, who crossed the room quickly and looked at him with mild concern. “Is everything okay? Are you gonna be sick? I can make you some ginger tea to calm your stomach."

Fjord shook his head, the world spinning around him at the motion, forcing him to put a hand on the wall to steady himself. 

“No, no I’m good. I just…” he trailed off, hoping Caduceus would say something, would _understand_ what he was trying to say without having to say it. But Cad just stayed silent, waiting patiently for him to finish his sentence.

Fjord looked up at his friend, meeting his eyes. _Since when has pink been my favorite color?_ The kindness and concern he saw there filled his heart to the brim; it was _so full._

So full he could feel the moment it broke from the pressure.

He pushed off the wall he was leaning on and fell towards Caduceus, barely catching himself by wrapping his arms around Cad’s thin waist. Fjord grasped him tightly, pulling him into a hug and burying his face in his chest. The familiar deep, earthy, herbal scent filled his nose; a scent that normally gave him comfort now only triggering deep longing.

He felt Caduceus’ lanky arms wrap around him and hold on just as firmly, his chest rumbling under Fjord’s forehead. 

“Hey there, is everything okay? What’s going on?”

Fjord just shook his head, not willing to pull away yet and taking a moment to just hold him. _My last moment, maybe._

Cad just stood in silence, holding him and waiting for a response. Finally, Fjord pulled his head out of Cad’s chest, no tears on his cheeks but two small damp spots left on Caduceus’ shirt. Fjord sniffed lightly and craned his neck to look up at his friend.

“I’m sorry, I just… I really really appreciate you. A lot, Ducey. We ask a lot of you and don’t give nearly enough back. You... you deserve someone who can take care of you. I’m happy for you.” _I’m a good liar. Always have been. Maybe I can convince myself too._

Caduceus looked down at him with a soft smile, kindness shining through his eyes. _Please don’t ever stop looking at me like that._

One large, softly furred hand cupped Fjord’s cheek, and his eyes widened in shock and anticipation. Without even thinking about it, he leaned into Cad’s palm and parted his lips slightly, hopefully.

One heartbeat passed.

  
  


Two.

  
  


Three.

Caduceus chuckled. “Did you two have vodka tonight? You know you always get emotional after a lot of vodka. C’mon, finish your water and we’ll get you to bed.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Oh._

Something must have shown on Fjord’s face, some flicker of the pain and turmoil he felt inside, because Caduceus was instantly pulling him back into the hug and whispering soothing words into the top of his head.

“Oh, hey there now, it’s okay. It’ll all be better in the morning. Or worse, maybe. Hangovers are no fun. But by the afternoon, for sure.” Warm, large hands rubbed circles across Fjord’s back. He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse.

“How about I stay with you tonight, hmm? You seem like you don’t want to be alone, and I’m worried about you being sick in your sleep.”

_Say no. Stop taking from him. He deserves better._

“...yeah. Yeah that sounds nice. Thanks.”

_Fuckin’ asshole._

  
  


It wasn’t until they were curled up together in Fjord’s bed, Cad’s arm wrapped reassuringly around his waist, that Fjord realized why the way Caduceus smiled at the thought of Eadwulf was so familiar.

_That’s how he used to look at me._

A single tear made its way down Fjord’s cheek as he let sleep take him to sweet, painless oblivion.

**Author's Note:**

> *Does a gay little evil dance*


End file.
